Knowing my Talent
I played clarinet in band and many other clarinetists would say things like “I’m not as good as you.” I felt close to them since spending time with them in band and on band trips and some of them were my friends.
In band a lot of comparisons were made between individuals within each ‘section’ or group of instruments. In that setting it is to be expected.
The final came up in high school and it was to record (on cassette tape) yourself playing scales and a song. Each person was supposed to state their name aloud at the beginning of the tape.
I completed my tape and I was proud of it. I knew I did a good job. Band members expected me to be in the first band instead of the second band because I was good. I turned my tape into the basket in the band room where all the final tapes were supposed to be turned in.
When it was time for the announcements of the first and second band members, to my surprise, the band instructor said that he had not received my cassette tape final. We discussed this in his office.
I told him that I turned it in as instructed. It must have been misplaced or stolen.
Nothing was done about it.
He marked it down as failed to turn in.
I was not permitted to re-take the assignment.
I do think I know who would have stolen the tape. But there was nothing I could do.
The band instructor didn’t believe me, unfortunately.
So, I was 3rd chair in the second band.
I wasn’t seen or heard.
But I DO hear myself.
One of the songs I have written is about hearing myself even when others don’t. I believe that by writing and playing songs that reclaim my power, I am healing myself from this cassette tape final situation and other similar situations where I have not been heard.
To literally not be heard, to be erased (which is what I felt was done to the tape: stolen, my name erased, and another name from another student taped over, passing the music part off as their own) to be told something untrue about myself (and by default my abilities) is very strange to me.
I have come to the conclusion that it was a form of protection by the universe. This experience is one reason why I didn’t take band every year of high school. I took guitar instead and that was great.
The final was a live performance with two guitar parts, and I played with my best friend. A much better experience than being told that I never turned in the final.
I know I passed the final. I know I was better than 3rd chair in the second band. How it was recorded on my report card isn’t what is important. How I feel about my skills and abilities and myself, is.
And I feel good. And I still love to play the clarinet and do.
The song I wrote is called “I hear me (crickets).”